I got to know Jean and Mike a couple of years
ago while leading St. Michael’s pilgrimage to Italy, which I have renamed the
match making pilgrimage, since this is the second wedding that I’ve performed from
that group. Jean invited Mike. She asked him if he would like to spend 10
days with her in Italy. Mike, who lived
in Wake Forest, replied, “I’ll I’ve got to do now is drive down Capital
Boulevard.”
Perhaps Mike knew traveling abroad
has its stresses and strains for even the happiest of couples. In Rome, Jean and Mike went out one night for
a romantic dinner for two at the Spanish Steps.
Enamored with the location, and undoubtedly each other, time slipped
away. After leaving the restaurant, they
discovered that the metro had closed. Mike
reached in his pocket, found the hotel address and suggested they take a
taxi. Unlike in past relationships, when
such a moment would be fraught with petty recriminations, Mike and Jean calmly
worked through the challenge.
This
incident reflects an essential quality of Mike and Jean’s relationship –
respect. Jean told me, when I met with
them to discuss their wedding, that she has never known someone with so much
integrity as Mike. Before they started
dating, while they were getting to know each other through email conversations,
Mike emailed that he would call her on a specific day and time. Jean thought to herself, “I’ve heard that one
before.” At the exact time, he called.
Jean knew then that Mike was a man of his word. Mike, for his part, knew that Jean was the genuine
article when on their first date she put her hurting sprained foot up on the
table. Mike thought Jean had a lovely
foot.
Later that fall, Jean invited Mike
to her house. Now Mike is a huge Auburn
fan. He never misses a football
game. However, to be with Jean, he was
willing to miss the game. When he walked
through the door of her house, he saw that she had the game on TV.
Since the Middle Ages in the West,
we have believed that the essential quality for a marriage is love. In reality, there are many forms of love and
many components to love. Psychologist
Robert Sternberg developed the so-called triangular theory of love which says
that intimacy, passion and commitment are all necessary for love. When I was researching this topic online, a
person on Yahoo answers picked “loyalty, honesty, sincerity and care.” A person I sat next to at the rehearsal
dinner last night could not stop talking about giving. All of these, of course, are important but even
more so, I believe, is respect.
In the opening paragraph of the Ketubah,
the legal Jewish marriage contract, the husband promises, “"I will work
for you, respect you and sustain you."
The word love is never mentioned in the Jewish marriage contract. Rabbi Michoel Gourarie writes, “Love on its
own can be egocentric. Sometimes what appears to be intense love is really an
expression of self-interest and pursuit of pleasure. Unfortunately, it is not
uncommon to see relationships that begin with intense romance deteriorate
rapidly as soon as one person realizes that the other is not the perfect human
being that they initially thought. For love to be real and long term it must be
built on a foundation of deep respect. Only when we genuinely respect the
individuality of the other person can we truly love them.”[1]
Today’s Gospel comes from the
Farewell Discourse in John’s Gospel.
Jesus consoles his disciples about his eminent departure in this
discourse and tells them how to carry on without him. In today’s passage, he tells them to “abide” in
his love. The Greek word translated as “abide”
is used more often in John’s Gospel than in any other book of the Bible. Only a few verses earlier Jesus uses the word with
the image of the vine and the branches. He
tells his disciples, “Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot
bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you
abide in me. I am the vine, you are the
branches” (John 15:4-5 NRSV). Abide implies
a deep, enduring, organic relationship. This
is the type of relationship Jesus has with his Father. This is the type of relationship Jesus
invites you into for your married life, Jean and Mike. This is the relationship with God and one
another into which Jesus invites all of us.
As I told Mike and Jean when I met
with them, my grandmother remarried when she was 82. She married someone she had dated in High
School. Both of their spouses of over 50
years had died. My grandmother said that
the years of her second marriage were the happiest of her life. It was only then, she said, that she really
knew love.
Jean and Mike, we, your family and
friends, are gathered here today to give thanks for you, to wish you well, and
to bless your new life together. Build
upon your strong foundation of respect and love. Cherish each other’s individuality. Nurture your relationship in the midst of
life’s sorrows and joys. We pray that the years to come will be the
happiest and most loving years of your lives.
(This sermon was preached July 20, 2013 at the wedding of Jean Alderman and Mike Tuttle.)
[1] Michoel Gourarie, “What Comes
First – Love or Respect?” chabad.org,
September 28, 2010, http://www.chabad.org/blogs/blog_cdo/aid/1271335/jewish/What-Comes-First-Love-or-Respect.htm.
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