Respect is the Foundation of Marriage

             I got to know Jean and Mike a couple of years ago while leading St. Michael’s pilgrimage to Italy, which I have renamed the match making pilgrimage, since this is the second wedding that I’ve performed from that group.  Jean invited Mike.  She asked him if he would like to spend 10 days with her in Italy.  Mike, who lived in Wake Forest, replied, “I’ll I’ve got to do now is drive down Capital Boulevard.”

Perhaps Mike knew traveling abroad has its stresses and strains for even the happiest of couples.  In Rome, Jean and Mike went out one night for a romantic dinner for two at the Spanish Steps.  Enamored with the location, and undoubtedly each other, time slipped away.  After leaving the restaurant, they discovered that the metro had closed.  Mike reached in his pocket, found the hotel address and suggested they take a taxi.  Unlike in past relationships, when such a moment would be fraught with petty recriminations, Mike and Jean calmly worked through the challenge. 

               This incident reflects an essential quality of Mike and Jean’s relationship – respect.  Jean told me, when I met with them to discuss their wedding, that she has never known someone with so much integrity as Mike.  Before they started dating, while they were getting to know each other through email conversations, Mike emailed that he would call her on a specific day and time.  Jean thought to herself, “I’ve heard that one before.” At the exact time, he called.  Jean knew then that Mike was a man of his word.  Mike, for his part, knew that Jean was the genuine article when on their first date she put her hurting sprained foot up on the table.   Mike thought Jean had a lovely foot.

Later that fall, Jean invited Mike to her house.  Now Mike is a huge Auburn fan.  He never misses a football game.  However, to be with Jean, he was willing to miss the game.  When he walked through the door of her house, he saw that she had the game on TV.

Since the Middle Ages in the West, we have believed that the essential quality for a marriage is love.  In reality, there are many forms of love and many components to love.  Psychologist Robert Sternberg developed the so-called triangular theory of love which says that intimacy, passion and commitment are all necessary for love.  When I was researching this topic online, a person on Yahoo answers picked “loyalty, honesty, sincerity and care.”  A person I sat next to at the rehearsal dinner last night could not stop talking about giving.  All of these, of course, are important but even more so, I believe, is respect.

In the opening paragraph of the Ketubah, the legal Jewish marriage contract, the husband promises, “"I will work for you, respect you and sustain you."  The word love is never mentioned in the Jewish marriage contract.  Rabbi Michoel Gourarie writes, “Love on its own can be egocentric. Sometimes what appears to be intense love is really an expression of self-interest and pursuit of pleasure. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to see relationships that begin with intense romance deteriorate rapidly as soon as one person realizes that the other is not the perfect human being that they initially thought. For love to be real and long term it must be built on a foundation of deep respect. Only when we genuinely respect the individuality of the other person can we truly love them.”[1]

Today’s Gospel comes from the Farewell Discourse in John’s Gospel.  Jesus consoles his disciples about his eminent departure in this discourse and tells them how to carry on without him.  In today’s passage, he tells them to “abide” in his love.  The Greek word translated as “abide” is used more often in John’s Gospel than in any other book of the Bible.  Only a few verses earlier Jesus uses the word with the image of the vine and the branches.  He tells his disciples, “Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me.  I am the vine, you are the branches” (John 15:4-5 NRSV).  Abide implies a deep, enduring, organic relationship.  This is the type of relationship Jesus has with his Father.  This is the type of relationship Jesus invites you into for your married life, Jean and Mike.  This is the relationship with God and one another into which Jesus invites all of us.

As I told Mike and Jean when I met with them, my grandmother remarried when she was 82.  She married someone she had dated in High School.  Both of their spouses of over 50 years had died.  My grandmother said that the years of her second marriage were the happiest of her life.  It was only then, she said, that she really knew love.

Jean and Mike, we, your family and friends, are gathered here today to give thanks for you, to wish you well, and to bless your new life together.  Build upon your strong foundation of respect and love.   Cherish each other’s individuality.  Nurture your relationship in the midst of life’s sorrows and joys.    We pray that the years to come will be the happiest and most loving years of your lives.

 (This sermon was preached July 20, 2013 at the wedding of Jean Alderman and Mike Tuttle.)

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[1] Michoel Gourarie, “What Comes First – Love or Respect?” chabad.org, September 28, 2010, http://www.chabad.org/blogs/blog_cdo/aid/1271335/jewish/What-Comes-First-Love-or-Respect.htm.

How to Find True Happiness

This sermon was preached at St. John's, Henderson, N.C., July 7, 2013 on Luke 10:1-11, 16-20.

After this the Lord appointed seventy others and sent them on ahead of him in pairs to every town and place where he himself intended to go. He said to them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore ask the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go on your way. See, I am sending you out like lambs into the midst of wolves. Carry no purse, no bag, no sandals; and greet no one on the road. Whatever house you enter, first say, `Peace to this house!' And if anyone is there who shares in peace, your peace will rest on that person; but if not, it will return to you. Remain in the same house, eating and drinking whatever they provide, for the laborer deserves to be paid. Do not move about from house to house. Whenever you enter a town and its people welcome you, eat what is set before you; cure the sick who are there, and say to them, `The kingdom of God has come near to you.' But whenever you enter a town and they do not welcome you, go out into its streets and say, `Even the dust of your town that clings to our feet, we wipe off in protest against you. Yet know this: the kingdom of God has come near.'

"Whoever listens to you listens to me, and whoever rejects you rejects me, and whoever rejects me rejects the one who sent me."

The seventy returned with joy, saying, "Lord, in your name even the demons submit to us!" He said to them, "I watched Satan fall from heaven like a flash of lightning. See, I have given you authority to tread on snakes and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing will hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice at this, that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."

               On Thursday we celebrated our nation’s Independence Day.  Our Declaration of Independence declared that our Creator endowed us with the inalienable right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”  A worldwide psychological study found that people believe happiness is more important than “meaning in life, becoming rich, or getting into heaven.”[1]  Today’s passage from Luke shows us how to find true happiness.

At first the Gospel seems to have little to do with finding happiness.  Jesus appoints and sends out 70 of his disciples to prepare the way for him.  They are essentially advance men laying the groundwork for his visit later.  He tells them, "Whoever listens to you listens to me, and whoever rejects you rejects me, and whoever rejects me rejects the one who sent me" (Luke 10:16).  The mission of the 70 is clearly important and deeply personal for Jesus.

Scholars are unsure why Jesus sent out 70 disciples.  This is the only reference that we have in any of the Gospels to the 70.  The 70 might represent all the nations, all the peoples of the world.  Noah had 70 descendants, from whom, according to Genesis 10, “the nations spread abroad on the earth after the flood” (Genesis 10:32).  If you are having a hard time sleeping, read the names in Genesis 10.  Jewish prophets often did what are called sign-acts, symbolic actions, to make their points.  Jesus chose 12 apostles to represent the 12 tribes of Israel, to be a new Israel.  He says in Matthew, "Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man is seated on the throne of his glory, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel” (Matt 19:28).  In sending out 70 disciples, Jesus reveals that his message is for all the nations, for all the people of the world.  Even more dramatically, he initiates the creation of a new world.

The values of this new world dramatically differ from those that dominate our world.     Jesus instructs his disciples to say when they enter a home, “Peace to this house!”  He tells them to cure the sick.  Peace and healing mark the Kingdom of God.  While peace and healing are all good, you might be wondering what all of this has to do with finding happiness!  So far, we haven’t heard anything about it.  I’m about to get there.  Happiness enters the picture when the 70 return “with joy.”  They celebrate that even the demons submit to them.  It is understandable that the 70 are happy about the success of their mission, but Jesus tells them that external circumstances are not the true source of their joy.  He tells them to rejoice because their names are written in heaven.

When Jesus says the names of the 70 are written in heaven, he is referring to the book of life.  According to the book of Revelation, the people whose names are written in the book of life are those who will live eternally with God at the end of time.  The book of life not only refers to the end of time or the next life; it characterizes Christ’s followers in this life.  Paul says at the end of his letter to the Philippians that his co-workers’ names are written in the book of life (Phil 4:3).  The true source of the disciples’ joy is that they are in relationship with and doing the will of the living God.

Scripture repeatedly tells us about the joy of being in relationship with God.  1 Chronicles says, “Honor and majesty are before God; strength and joy are in his place” (1Chron 16:27).  The psalmist tells God, “You show me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy; in your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).  Simply being in a personal relationship with God makes our lives more joyful.

The 70 rejoiced not only because they were followers of the living God, but also because they did God’s will.  They brought the kingdom of God near to those they met.   The 70 lived Christ’s command to love the Lord your God and to love your neighbor as yourself.  According to St. Augustine, the process of learning to love God is a process of learning how to love our neighbors, ourselves and the world, and this process of learning to love brings us joy.  Theologian Ellen Charry describes this as a "healing journey into one's soul, for each step deeper into God heals and strengthens love."[2]  The mission of the 70 was not only healing for others but also for themselves.

               While many Episcopalians have never heard of it, the most popular Christian praise chorus ever written is the 1993 “Shout to the Lord” by the Australian Darlene Zschech.  In the 2000s, this song was sung by an estimated 25 – 30 million Christians every Sunday.  Since you used LEVAS, when I was here last time, which I loved, I thought you might be willing to hear it.  I have the lyrics for you if you want to sing along.  You don’t have to raise your hands in the air! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I71XhjqoHvs]

This song might not be your cup of tea, but it illustrates the point.  Zschech wrote “Shout to the Lord” when she was at her wits end.  She was struggling to raise two young girls.  Her husband’s business was failing.  Their family was financially strapped.  Zschech says, "I wrote it when I was feeling discouraged. I felt I could either scream and pull my hair out, or praise God.  The line ‘Nothing compares to the promise I have in you’ was something I clung to when our circumstances seemed so bleak. I think that rings true with anyone going through tough times."  It is hard to tell she wrote this song at such a low point in her life particularly when she belts out, “I sing for joy at the work of Your hand/Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand.”[3]

               Life deals all of us good and challenging times.  In the midst of life’s ups and downs, we can always find joy in the Lord.  This does not mean that we will feel happy every moment of the day.  Far from it, challenging times bring moments of doubt, despair and anxiety.  Our joy in the Lord is not a fleeting emotion dependent upon external circumstances.  Our joy is rooted in our relationship with God who cares for us through thick and thin.   Our joy is found in doing the will of God - in learning to love God, in learning to love our neighbors as ourselves, in finding the healing power of God for ourselves and for the world.

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[1] Todd B. Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener, “What Happy People Do Differently?“ Psychology Today July/August 2013: 52.

[2] Katelyn Beaty, “Happiness Now!” Christianity Today December 14, 2010, http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/december/20.65.html.

[3] Camerin Courtney, “The Power of Praising God,” Today’s Christian Woman, March 2001, http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2001/march/3.36.html?start=1

Your Life: Priceless!

This sermon was preached Sunday June 9, 2013 at St. John's, Henderson NC on the lessons below.  You can read the scriptures by clicking on the quick link to the right.

1 Kings 17:17-24 - http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=237823994

Galatians 1:11-24 - http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=237824081

Luke 7:11-17 - http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=237823874.

 

             Yesterday, I talked to a longtime friend at the Cary Y.  This person was my neighbor before I got married.  His working career has been in computer sales.  He told me how he had been let go twice during his career.  Today, he said, there is no such thing as a permanent job.  We’re all contract workers.   Years ago I talked to a man who said that a company executive told a meeting of employees that each worker had to look out for him or herself because the company was looking out for itself.  This is the reality in corporate America.  The days in which people worked for one company their entire working life, with rare exceptions, are long gone.  In today’s world, people are little more than disposable parts.

Today’s lessons reveal that there are no throwaways in the Kingdom of Heaven.  Each person is invaluable regardless of his or her status in the world.  God cherishes each of us.

               Today’s Gospel lesson is similar to the Old Testament lesson.  Elijah and Jesus each resuscitate a young child.  Occasionally people say that the god of the Old Testament is different from the god of the New Testament.  The Old Testament god, they say, is wrathful and the New Testament god loving.  Today’s lessons reveal that the god of the Old and New Testaments are one and the same.  In both Testaments, God is a god of love and compassion.  God is also a god of justice in both.  We tend to focus on one more than the other in each Testament, but it is easy to find examples of God’s justice and God’s compassion in both the Old and New Testaments.

A key point in understanding God’s compassion in the lesson from 1 Kings and Luke is that the woman who has lost her only son is a widow.  Widows in the Ancient World were a vulnerable and marginal group.  In ancient agrarian society, a woman had few options outside of her home and family.  She depended upon her husband to farm for food and her children to care for her in her old age.   The social safety net did not exist.  The desperation of a woman without a husband and children can be seen in the story of Tamar in the book of Genesis.  Tamar disguises herself as a prostitute to conceive a son by her father-in-law Judah.  Society in the Ancient World and today privileges the powerful and the wealthy.  God, however, values each person regardless of whether he or she is rich or poor, young or old, married or single, able or disabled.  God values each of us equally regardless of our status in the world.

The radical nature of God’s love is seen even more dramatically in Paul’s letter to the Galatians.  Paul confesses that he “violently” persecuted the church of God and tried to “destroy it.”  If someone tried to destroy us, how would we react?  As we know from the news, our response would be to send out a killer drone to take out that person.  God, though, responds differently.  Instead of retaliating, the risen Jesus appears to Saul, converting him to faith.  This former persecutor becomes the greatest of all the apostles, the one who takes the Good News of Jesus Christ to the Gentile world.  Many scholars argue that it is because of this persecutor that Christianity is the worldwide religion it is today instead of a small Jewish sect.

God’s economy dramatically differs from the world’s economy.  We value people because of their position in society - their wealth, their looks or their popularity -, but God values each person regardless of her or his worldly status.

I recently started working part-time at the YMCA in Cary.  I am currently between churches and wanted a way to get out of the house, earn a little money and be with people.  I have been a member of the Cary Y since 1994.  I like the culture - the values, the staff and the members.  My job as a Wellness Coach is to assist people in the workout areas and to give wellness orientations.  The Y is very people oriented.  An important part of my job is meeting people.  The Y pays me to walk around and talk to them.  As far as I’m concerned, you can’t beat that!  In the course of only a few shifts, I have met many amazing women and men.  One man that I talked to Thursday is an investigator for Blue Cross and Blue Shield.  He investigates fraudulent billing.  You will be reassured to know that these are only a very small fraction of all Blue Cross and Blue Shield’s insurance claims.  When I asked him how he had gotten into this line of work, he said that he had studied criminal justice in college.  Afterwards, he had worked as a sheriff’s deputy, welfare and Department of Defense investigator – more than a fulltime job!  Intrigued I asked him to tell me about his most interesting case, he replied, “It sounds corny, but I can’t tell you.  It’s classified.”  I told him to say no more as I didn’t want him to have to kill me.  As is true for most of us, he takes his life story for granted.  He didn’t think it was particularly special, but I thought it was fascinating.  I knew nothing about that world.  And his story is one of many that I have heard in the last few days - the retired mathematician from India who moved from Virginia to Cary a month ago to be near his daughter and grandchildren; the Campbell law school graduate, who works from home on family law cases and hopes one day to have children with her lawyer husband; the eleven year old girl who likes to play the video game World of Warcraft and who misses her friends in Colorado from where she just moved; the Spanish speaking Y maintenance man who grew up in a Puerto Rican family in New York City.  Each of us has a fascinating story.  Each of us is priceless in the eyes of our loving God.

Today’s lessons call us to look at each person whether rich or poor, young or old, abled or disabled, black, brown or white with God’s eyes, with eyes that cherish and love each person regardless of his or her position in society.  The lessons call us perhaps more challengingly to look at ourselves with those same eyes, to realize that you and I are precious, irreplaceable in the eyes of our loving God.  When we look at others and ourselves with God’s eyes of love, we can begin to fulfill Jesus’ command to love our neighbors as ourselves.

They Gave Their Lives to Set Us Free

This sermon was preached at the Village at Brookwood, Burlington, N.C. on Memorial Day May 27, 2013.  The Gospel lesson is John 16:12-15, the one appointed for Year C, Trinity Sunday.

John 16:12-15

Jesus said to the disciples, "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but will speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify me, because he will take what is mine and declare it to you. All that the Father has is mine. For this reason I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you."

               Today is Memorial Day - the day we in the United States remember those who gave their lives in the service of our country.  They came from all over this great nation - the Great Plains, the heights of the Rockies, the hollows of the Appalachians, the inner city of New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and Miami, the cotton fields of the Deep South, the congested highways of California, the corn fields of the Mid-West and the deserts of the Southwest.  They were rich and poor, white, black and brown, male and female, farm hand and city dweller.  In the trenches of Flanders fields, on cemetery ridge at Gettysburg, in the rice paddies of the Mekong Delta, on the mountains of Afghanistan, in the desert of Iraq, on the beaches and jungles of countless Pacific islands, on and under the waters of the South Pacific and North Atlantic, in the skies above Midway and Nazi Germany, these men and women made the ultimate sacrifice to free us from tyranny.

               Yesterday was Trinity Sunday.  Our readings are the ones appointed for that day.  Trinity Sunday and Memorial Day might seem to have little in common, but the two are connected on a deep, primal level.

We Christians believe that God is a Trinity, three persons – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – in one being – God.  This revelation of the Trinitarian nature of God comes to us in and through the person of Jesus Christ.  In the life, death and resurrection of this Galilean, people saw much more than a humble carpenter.  They saw the Son of God; they saw the very being of God.

Jesus, like the men and women we remember today, made the ultimate sacrifice.  God the Father, out of his great love for each of us, sent his only Son into harm’s way to free us from the tyranny of sin and death and to reunite us with God.  Jesus, when he returns to the Father, out of his great love for each of us, sends the Holy Spirit to continue his work – to comfort, to strengthen, to heal and to lead us in the way of Christ.  Every Sunday, every time we celebrate the Eucharist, we observe Memorial Day, because we remember Christ’s sacrifice; and we see again this incredible Trinitarian vision of God - this incredible community of love.

               Today’s Gospel comes from Jesus’ farewell discourse.  In the farewell discourse, Jesus explains to his disciples why he must leave them.  There are two parts to this discourse.  The first part begins in chapter 14.  Jesus consoles his disciples in this part saying, “I will not leave you orphaned; I am coming to you.  In a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me; because I live, you also will live” (14:18-19).  The second part of the farewell discourse, part of which we heard today, looks to the future.

Jesus tells his disciples, “I still have many things to say to you but you cannot bear them now.”  The Greek word translated as “to bear” normally is used for carrying a physical load or burden.  The implication of this verse, according to biblical scholar Gail O’Day, is that the future will test the disciples in ways that they cannot bear to hear now.  Jesus, however, does not abandon his disciples.  He sends the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of truth to guide them.  The word translated as “guide” is a compound Greek word that literally means “lead in the way.”  Jesus sends the Holy Spirit to lead us in his life-giving way through the struggles and vicissitudes of our lives.

As you know, last week my father was in the hospital.  He slumped over during dinner Tuesday evening.  Bobby, the nurse on duty, found he had a 103 degree fever.  He was rushed to Alamance Regional.  We were all very concerned.  After different diagnoses ranging from pneumonia to congestive heart failure, his doctor finally said that he had had an infection of his lungs that had exacerbated an existing lung condition. 

During this anxious time, the Holy Spirit comforted, healed and led us.  Dad’s priest Courtney and the hospital chaplain both visited and prayed with him.  The excellent doctors, nurses, aides and staff of ARMC cared for him.

One of these caregivers was a young, physical therapist named Aslan.  Aslan, as you probably know, is the name of the lion in C.S. Lewis’ fantasy series The Narnia Chronicles.  Lewis said Aslan was an alternative Christ figure in the fantasy world of Narnia.  Like Christ, Aslan dies and is raised from the dead.  Aslan is a guardian, a savior, a benevolent guide to the children who visit him.

Aslan is an unusual name.  I had to look it up in the dictionary.  It is the Turkish word that means “lion.”  In the course of my life, I had never met someone named Aslan.  Intrigued, I looked online and found that not surprisingly it has never been listed among the 1000 most popular names in the US.  In the rare instances when a parent names a child Aslan, the child is a boy.

This past week I met with Stuart Hoke for spiritual direction.  Stuart has been a priest for 40 years.  He has a Doctorate of Theology in Ascetical Theology.  Ascetical Theology simply means the study and practice of becoming more like Christ.  Stuart asks those who see him for spiritual direction simple but thought provoking questions.  Where is God working in your life?  What consolations or disconsolations have happened to you?  What songs, television shows or books spoke to you?  What coincidences or signs have you received of God’s presence?  These questions help people look beyond the surface of their lives to a deeper reality.  They help us have eyes to see and ears to hear, as Jesus said (Mat. 13:16).

Dad had about as much chance of having a physical therapist named Aslan as he did of winning the $600 million Powerball.  Aslan did much more than provide physical therapy; she was a sign of Christ’s care, a sign of the Spirit’s comforting, guiding hand in a confusing, anxious time.

This Memorial Day, we remember those Americans who gave their lives to free us from tyranny, and we remember Jesus, who gave his life to free us from sin and death, who opened the way for us to God the Father and who sent the Holy Spirit to comfort, to strengthen and to guide us in his way.